tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-37662275643682278912024-03-06T00:30:13.049-08:00burnt up baby boomerBorn in the 40s. Stoned in the 60s. Bored in the 90s. Dazed in the tenties.TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.comBlogger61125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-44815519160336151112013-05-02T13:02:00.001-07:002013-05-02T13:11:55.332-07:00<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dancin’ the Night Away<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQjF_P-lC6-JTLegAF1ZVFkT6ye9jOivMC8VaES4zqqj4gEWOlPWyMLPNT4C1LIyB0z2ZPaJRb2S_dgIEEMt41TNpHLdN9glPClIKyXAx2Eyg0onwAa8-iXqXf78jt0K-cpDEAklL9B3E_/s1600/advanced.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="294" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQjF_P-lC6-JTLegAF1ZVFkT6ye9jOivMC8VaES4zqqj4gEWOlPWyMLPNT4C1LIyB0z2ZPaJRb2S_dgIEEMt41TNpHLdN9glPClIKyXAx2Eyg0onwAa8-iXqXf78jt0K-cpDEAklL9B3E_/s320/advanced.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Even the
most ardently youthful Baby Boomer becomes painfully aware of one fact. You
can’t dance like you used to. These days your Twist is a slight wobble, your
Mashed Potato is barely crumbled and your Chicken is definitely less funky. But
we still love the music! Whenever the first bar of “Land of 1,000 Dances”
blasts out, baby boomers leap out onto the floor, clutch their back, groan, and
dial their osteopath. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After extensive
field research I’m happy to report that there are a number of dance steps
currently performed by baby boomers which don’t normally result in injury, at
least to the dancer. They may not be
pretty for the viewer, but they feel beautiful <i>inside</i>. They are:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
Flapping Scarecrow</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Dangle your arms, keeping your feet still.
Now move your body awkwardly from side to side while violently swinging your
arms. A slightly dazed, ecstatic look is appropriate.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
Hijacked Airliner</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Alternately
lifting your feet, raise your arms till they are horizontal, and bend them in
at the elbow till your hands brush your ears. Sway from side to side, eyes
upwards. Advance threateningly to the other dancers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Air
Traffic Controller</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Raise your arm straight up from the
shoulder. Mouth the words to the song. Whenever there’s a guitar lick, make a
fist and punch the air.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
Apathy Shuffle</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> One hand in pocket, the other hanging limp,
stay on the spot, treading as if you were walking through a gardenful of slugs.
This step is often done by those who have been dragged out by enthusiastic
partners.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Jim
Carrey Mince</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Elbows
in, wrists out, move your body in a barely noticeable pendulum motion. All your
effort goes into your face, which makes extreme expressions ranging from beatific
ecstasy to contorted anguish.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Cow
in a Tornado</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> Simply
flail wildly, acting as if you had no bones. Stagger round the floor, as if you
were out of control. Correction. You are out of control.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The
Cringing Teenager</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"> A chance for the younger generation to shine.
This one’s easy. Crouch at the back of the room, hiding your eyes either with
your iPhone, or, in the unlikely event you haven’t brought it, the curtains. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-77891459162380601802013-04-25T13:24:00.000-07:002013-04-26T06:10:03.136-07:00<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Covering Art<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibd3qfZWO4B6tIHsYt6jqSq69nEILpm51oliczFgUnFi0ldv_Vl8LbGBCF2dUY9YxCK0v5M8T4vfR834K5waqITUhBHsYvcSScvfAmaT8o7HlOB9twrPI-7wuBY06ccYJkmoo5OVQ390f3/s1600/Dulwich_cat_9_430.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEibd3qfZWO4B6tIHsYt6jqSq69nEILpm51oliczFgUnFi0ldv_Vl8LbGBCF2dUY9YxCK0v5M8T4vfR834K5waqITUhBHsYvcSScvfAmaT8o7HlOB9twrPI-7wuBY06ccYJkmoo5OVQ390f3/s320/Dulwich_cat_9_430.jpg" width="247" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Kings of Leon new one?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">When I was a
teenager I didn’t really do art. If you’d have asked me, I’d probably have said that Van
Gogh played inside right for Ajax and wasn’t Monet that shabby detective who
kept lighting his pipe on the wall? I liked Rubens but that was because he
depicted naked women lying on cushions smiling at me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">What I did
was LP covers. I didn’t even need to leave my room. All I had to do was flop on
my bed and stare at them for hours. Why stress over the significance of the
hand gesture of a Madonna or the beauty of Turner’s treatment of water? I had
far more important things to consider. Such as, did the trees in the background
of the photo on Bob Dylan’s “John Wesley Harding” make the shape of a man’s
face? Everyone said they did. I’d worn the grooves flat before I came to the
conclusion that they made the shape of trees. Lots of lousy art appreciation
but some great music.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">And did the
turned-down cornet on the cover of “Sergeant Pepper” in front of Ringo’s
waxwork cover up an opium poppy? Was that really Jackson Browne dressed up as a
lawman on the inside sleeve of “Desperado”? And was the woman lounging by the fireplace on
“Bringin’ It All Back Home” Bob Dylan himself dragged up? If so, what was the
significance? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">These were
the serious issues I faced in my teens. OK, the Vietnam war, poverty and racism
were important in their own way, but you had to put them to one side when
considering why Roger Dean had painted the alien moon green on the latest “Yes”
album. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I like to
think I’ve grown up. I do art now. I was looking at Gainsborough’s portrait of
the Linley Sisters last week. I stood for twenty minutes. Was that an alien
spaceship hidden in the tree trunk? Could that be a magic mushroom growing
under her slipper? And that sheet of music she’s holding – it isn't Hendrix’s
guitar solo from “Voodoo Chile – Slight Return?”, is it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If so – why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-88100518256565650202013-04-11T12:33:00.003-07:002013-04-15T08:59:52.118-07:00<br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Celebrity
Love Dance<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1TnvkAqOl8XkkkLY3_Tjo8FCsezZ3HlbBr6oSW0G3SjVu50xr0sMUApJhQHs5gtH62VaPdXdPgTRUuHd0rY-cMZk8xgJyqakD0RM4O7BumcIVbUkydOiXfbtQanhC4RNeisiL50nuVRam/s1600/Hollywood+Y+Combinator+Brain+Pains.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1TnvkAqOl8XkkkLY3_Tjo8FCsezZ3HlbBr6oSW0G3SjVu50xr0sMUApJhQHs5gtH62VaPdXdPgTRUuHd0rY-cMZk8xgJyqakD0RM4O7BumcIVbUkydOiXfbtQanhC4RNeisiL50nuVRam/s320/Hollywood+Y+Combinator+Brain+Pains.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">It’s that Reese Witherspoon. All day long she rings,
tweets, facebooks me. Do I want to hang around over a Big Mac, do I fancy a
movie….. it’s sort of nice, but I’m feeling smothered. I keep wanting to tell
her, “Reese, honey, I’m already spoken for. I’ve been Julia Robert’s other half
since 1992. If she was good enough for me then, she’s good enough for me now.” The trouble is, Reese is a real sweetie and I
don’t want to hurt her feelings.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So I meet up with George and natter about it. George – sorry, I should have said my old pal George Clooney, don’t know if
you know him – says, “Tony, it’s a job for another woman. Get one of Reese’s very
best friends gently to put her in the picture about you and Julia.” For this I
buy George a beer. He appreciates it. He’s been a bit on his uppers lately.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So I take Scarlett Johansson out for a coffee to
speak to Reese as they’re very friendly with each other. I’ve just told her about Reese's stalking when I notice Scarlett is gazing up at me with her head
in her hands. She’s not listening. “I’d love another coffee” she says.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Next day I’m getting tweeted, rang and facebooked by
Scarlett as well as by Reese. Every quarter of an hour my phone bleeps. I call
up George for some more good buddy advice. He brings along Shailene Woodley – a
sweet girl, they seem to be thick. I tell him how I’m not getting a moment’s
peace from Reece and Scarlett and, frankly, it’s got to stop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“Tony, you seem to get all this unwanted attention from
lovely women” says George, “it never seems to happen to me!” Shailene is
looking up at me with her big eyes. “I can see why” she murmurs.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> Next day I
get tweeted, rang, facebooked and emailed every five minutes by Shailene,
Scartlett and Reese. Julia’s beginning to notice something. Maybe it’s my blush
when I get one of their fizzier messages. Something’s got to be done. Time for
George again, who, although edgy about losing Shailene, always appreciates it when you buy him a
beer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I tell him that my life is being wrecked by the harassment
I’m getting from beautiful people who don’t understand that I just want to
be left alone. I break up mid-sentence and rest my head in my arms, sobbing.
I control it and sit up, trying to smile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“It's the first time I’ve looked at a guy this way,” says George,
“Fancy giving it a go?” </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">So now I'm being tweeted, rang, facebooked and emailed by Reese, Scarlett, Sheilene....and George.....</span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-52176661809502484132013-03-29T12:22:00.001-07:002013-03-29T12:27:47.511-07:00<br />
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<b>Customer
Questionnaire<o:p></o:p></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8hBJSiQqEiGURi1e4IdxI9Ew_270LRILZ6TefwZwH60xIJnSdVkPJymmxsuZN3tBObY3OZNrqKJA8ya5EzVlgr39zx1-ZjHlq6t3RGDHzoVF433_M84BJLWbIhOtHZpEMxvL9W35dgKZ/s1600/orange-man-walking-with-clipboard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8hBJSiQqEiGURi1e4IdxI9Ew_270LRILZ6TefwZwH60xIJnSdVkPJymmxsuZN3tBObY3OZNrqKJA8ya5EzVlgr39zx1-ZjHlq6t3RGDHzoVF433_M84BJLWbIhOtHZpEMxvL9W35dgKZ/s320/orange-man-walking-with-clipboard.jpg" width="238" /></a></div>
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To improve our services to you, this blog would appreciate
it if you could take a couple of minutes to complete this questionnaire.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Your visit does really matter to us.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Your age Young and fresh
Old and fagged out <o:p></o:p></div>
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Your gender Female Male Undecided <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>How did you come
across this blog?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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By sheer,
pig-awful bad luck <o:p></o:p></div>
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I was looking for a sausage
cooking website called Burnt Baby Banger and miskeyed this one by mistake<o:p></o:p></div>
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Tony Kirwood owes me £10, 000 and
I’m trying to trace the bastard<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>How useful do you find
this blog ?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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on a scale of 1 to 5, where 1 is “It’s essential to my
continuing ability to breathe” and 5 is “If I don’t quit this page now I’m
going to slit my wrists.” ?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>How do you think this
blog can be improved?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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It can’t. It should be taken down and put in some landfill <o:p></o:p></div>
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A bit of humour would help <o:p></o:p></div>
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By including something about cooking or cats. The last time
I tried to fry my moggy she tasted dreadful.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Which shoe do you put
on first?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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I thought it would be fun to know and I’m getting bored.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>Why are you still
doing this questionnaire?<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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Because you’re even more bored than me <o:p></o:p></div>
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Because you’re stupider than I thought<o:p></o:p></div>
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Because if you leave the computer room your wife will ask
you to clean the oven<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Thank you for your time. Before you go, if you tick the box
you consent to being sent details of our services and products. The latest one
is a nifty little oven cleaner. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I’m hoping that selling these is going to be more lucrative
than blogging about baby boomers.<o:p></o:p></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-55191707219516166522013-03-23T11:47:00.000-07:002013-03-23T11:57:44.539-07:00<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Skills We’ve Lost Over the Last 60
Years<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">DEFROSTING A
SPITFIRE<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">You’re at
40,000 feet and the tanks have frozen. Suddenly you’re set upon by a squadron
of Messerschmitts. What do you do? Today’s shiftless, apathetic youth would be
at a loss, wouldn’t they, huh? HUH?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">I felt
ashamed writing the last paragraph. You see, I’m a baby boomer. Buzzing about
in Spitfires wasn’t something we did. We caught a bus instead. But we did have
some vital, manly skills which are in danger of being lost and which I’m
anxious to pass on.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">GAUGEING THE
NUMBER OF 45 RPM SINGLES TO PUT ON A SPINDLE<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Too few, and
you keep having to get up and stick another batch onto the turntable. Too many,
and the accumulated lack of friction will slow the disc down and make even
Dusty Springfield sound as she’s flaking
out on Mandrax.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">HOW TO CLEAN
AN AFGHAN COAT<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Put it in
the launderette and it’ll come out like a wet Kleenex but dry into sheet metal.
Dab at it and it’ll come up in blisters. The answer is don’t wash it! It’s
supposed to smell! In a year’s time you can put it out in the garden and grow
carrots on it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">HOW TO CATCH
A ROUTEMASTER BUS<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">These
vehicles had an open back with a pole to hang on to. The technique is to wait
till the bus is nearly moving then dash up and lunge at the pole. Your arm will
nearly be pulled out of its socket, which is very yogic. When the bus speeds, cling
to the pole like a teenager to an iPhone. This is pretty well the only exercise
we hippies ever get.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">GETTING AN
OLD-FASHIONED TV TO WORK<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Back in the
60s, we TV watchers are real men. If technology goes wrong, no running blubbing
to the support line for us. When the picture folds we just get up and kick the
box. One kick for BBC , three kicks for ITV.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">OPENING A
CAN OF WATNEYS PARTY 7 BEER<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My
generation aren’t called upon to defuse unexploded German bombs in the streets.
But we do have to tackle Watneys Party 7 cans. There are no guaranteed safe
techniques. It’s a matter of levering up the pointed opener till it pierces the
top and running like hell as the geyser spouts. But even that isn’t as
dangerous as drinking the beer….</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-81102453838601413702013-03-18T13:50:00.000-07:002013-03-18T14:11:34.767-07:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>I Drink Therefore I Am</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu2J20SwgZuwoZTA2G_xU-LYJ8QT56tTUweTLp6SgtyAEmcv_SDtyHveRlpkbGjBMgxXt3XjgEHwfUJh-PC8GjmtupyLHaoAkXKJEZZqeW2AyWLzcCY-F_76PVaTvr26LU7-IedxLXykQe/s1600/medium_pint.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgu2J20SwgZuwoZTA2G_xU-LYJ8QT56tTUweTLp6SgtyAEmcv_SDtyHveRlpkbGjBMgxXt3XjgEHwfUJh-PC8GjmtupyLHaoAkXKJEZZqeW2AyWLzcCY-F_76PVaTvr26LU7-IedxLXykQe/s320/medium_pint.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Beer goes
with stuff. This is what writers are discovering. British writer Pete Brown has entertainingly linked
different beers with music. Stephen Beaumont rhapsodically matches ales and
food. Never one to allow a bandwagon to remain unjumped-upon, here’s my
contribution to this new genre: matching beers with Western philosophers. (And
occasionally Eastern ones)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">DESCARTES Has to
be Belgian Duvel beer. A glug of its mind-blowingly complex flavours and
thumping 8.5% ABV strength induces delirium. Mutter “I think therefore I am”
and you’ll regain consciousness quickly for glug no. 2.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">GANDHI A
pint of refreshing Nethergate Umbel is ideal after a long hot dusty day’s trudge
in your sandals. If yet another punter asks
“Please, Guru, let me sit at your feet while you explain to me your
doctrine of non-violence” its moderate 3.9% ABV strength helps you resist the
urge to punch them in the mouth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">KARL MARX What else
but Tetley’s Bitter, the ultimate working man’s beer? Medium strength, you’ll
be able to knock back a few and still have the volition to storm a palace or
two.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">NEITZSCHE The proponent of the Superman deserves nothing less than the
world’s strongest beer, Schorschbock 57. If you want to shed your meek Clark
Kent persona and turn into the Man of Steel, a stein of this, at atom-splitting
57.5% ABV, is better than popping into a phone booth. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">HEGEL His big idea was the dialectic – a clash of
crazy opposites (thesis and antithesis). His beer has to be Belgian Kriek which
merges beer and cherries. And leads to the satisfying synthesis of getting you
pissed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">ADAM SMITH the theorist of capitalism with “The Wealth
of Nations.” His beer must be Budweiser.
The Busche family, who brew it, maybe aren’t a nation but have become
richer than one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">What do you
mean, you’re not a philosopher? Drink more beer! </span></div>
</div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-33726517146629794512013-03-14T10:02:00.000-07:002013-03-14T10:02:04.515-07:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Corporate Blues<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">An Allegory<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I felt like
a beer last night and went into a pub. Pouring my pint, the barmaid said<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Wannanysnax? Peen</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">nuscristwillets?”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“No snacks
thanks”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Then she
handed me a receipt. A receipt - in a pub. I then
noticed she was wearing a uniform. A logo on her tunic generously told me the company was Oakdene Leisure Inc.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The pub had
been corporatized.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">As I sat
down a young man materialised with a clipboard. “Customer satisfaction survey,
sir” he said. “On a scale of 1 to 5,” he said, pointing his pencil between my
eyes, “where 1 is ecstatic and 5 is utter despair, how do you rate your Oakdene
experience?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“The woman
behind me has a very annoying laugh. So 4.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“And how do
you rate your Oakdene beer?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’m getting
some great satirical ideas which probably are nothing like as funny as I think
they are. So it’s working fine.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’d like to
ask you to rate your Oakdene beer on a scale of 1 to 5 where 1 is….”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I know. A
minute ago it was 2. Now it’s 5. That’s beer for you.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A smart
woman appeared behind the clipboard man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Hello sir,
I’m your Oakdene manager. Just to let you know that while you’re relaxing with
your beer we have a range of mid-drink entertainment experiences for you. Justin Bieber is available on the muzak, or if you’d prefer smooth
classics….”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My response
dripped with sarcasm. “Why don’t you just offer me your mid drink swimming pool
experience so I can go and drown myself?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I was just
going to mention the pool, sir. Or perhaps you prefer to take advantage of our executive
sauna. And after that, have a drink at our Caribbean themed bar”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I thought
this was a bar!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Just then a
wrecking ball crashed through the wall. An earthmover cleared away the rubble and an
army of workers moved in under a sign “Oakdene Leisure Centre under
construction.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The woman triumphantly
ticked a box on her clipboard.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Not any
more it isn’t!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-18598846514260716092013-03-08T12:41:00.000-08:002013-03-10T05:43:48.974-07:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Me - Living Legend</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I am
history.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">This dawned
on me recently, on reading that London’s Geffrye Museum of domestic history now
features a 1960s Room. If it’s anything like my boyhood home it’ll be an
environmental health hazard, with my mother’s 40 a day Embassy cigarette habit
and the noise of me playing Jimi Hendrix LPs at 40 decibels and my dad shouting
“Turn that bloody racket down!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The V&A museum
are displaying David Bowie’s costumes. And a 1970s retro shop has opened in my
neighbourhood. I keep popping in hoping they’ll have the Beatles’ second LP
which was nicked from my student flat (if you ever come across it, it has a Kilroy
Was Here scribble on the back and 1” ripped out from the cover to act as a butt).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If I am
history, I’m not making the most of it. It’s time to capitalise on this. I’m a
living resource. I’m going to hire myself out at 60s revival nights, museums,
reconstructed 60s streets – anywhere that screams out “This is the way we were
then!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll sit on
a stool outside dressed in a kaftan and buttonhole people as they go in. I’ve
already written my script. Here it is:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Ooooh
arrrgh” (This makes no sense but it’s what the punters want) “I remember them
days as if it were yesterday. We made our own amusements. We’d sit round the TV
watching “Call My Bluff”. Times were
hard but my parents shared tasks: my mum would get up to change the channel and
my dad’d kick the set when the picture folded. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I remember when
Queen Victoria came to visit…. Hang on, wasn’t it another Queen? My memory ain’t what it used to be, I’ll need a little
refreshment to revive it . Thank you! And if you could stuff a little more into
this chillum…..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Where was I?
Ev</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">ery Sunday we’d have a little family ritual, sticking on the Co-op Green
Shield stamps. After that my mum would dish out the family meal, a great big
pan full of Alphabetti Spaghetti. It’s how I learnt how to read. Trouble is , I
can only write if I can squidge the letters around.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Off then are
you? Before you go, take a blast of this….” </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I put on “Voodoo
Chile (Slight Return)” at full blast on the stereo behind me. Inside, an
actor playing my dad yells “Turn that bloody racket down!!!” </span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-29278452043243450902013-02-28T12:33:00.002-08:002013-02-28T12:46:18.031-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Smart phone or dumb guy?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We were looking
for a restaurant in an unfamiliar area of London and were lost. We’d gone round
in circles and I was getting hungry. Then one or our friends fished out her
smartphone, got a GPS fix and we found the place in sixty seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">For ten
minutes I gushed. What a leap forward for humankind this was! No more getting
lost. No more failed pub quizzes. All knowledge available at the press of a
button (except the crucial info on which button to push).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Then came ordering
time. As the waiter hovered our friend dived for her phone again and began
picking at it like a woodpecker. “Calorie count” she muttered, “Warm Brie Salad
550, NO!, er, Plate of Charcuterie 800 NO NO NO!!!” She took a breath, forced a smile and
muttered “I’ll have the buckwheat noodles.” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Across the restaurant I could see women checking their phones. A guy on the
next table was on his alcohol app. The bottle of Shiraz he fancied was 10.2
units. “Low alcohol lager please” he said, with all the enthusiasm of a
schoolboy asked by teacher to read out his homework.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Other people
mulled over their exercise app for next morning’s torture to work off the meal.
Yet others were checking their bank balances before deciding to slip out and go
to Macdonalds instead. Why don’t people turn these machines off? Because
they’ve been told to expect a call from their partner. Or if they’re from a
younger generation, from their mum.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s why I
don’t have a smartphone. I like to enjoy my evenings out. If I want to find out
where I am or how much I’m drinking, I order another bottle and these things cease
to matter completely.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUCFGYBap_1u2WM3ncO0lpMjuma9USbYUzhLQRgBHb7xxuWnVZuYLOavwovF8qWhBI2qnd3ra7Zf9i_ZnhgZGbX3Id-MSrRDkNmO_b0ISDjBh-Ep60Q850081wVYCJ_znSwtswFMGjWcsr/s1600/th+(3).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUCFGYBap_1u2WM3ncO0lpMjuma9USbYUzhLQRgBHb7xxuWnVZuYLOavwovF8qWhBI2qnd3ra7Zf9i_ZnhgZGbX3Id-MSrRDkNmO_b0ISDjBh-Ep60Q850081wVYCJ_znSwtswFMGjWcsr/s1600/th+(3).jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I never saw a phone as lovely as a bottle</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But
technology catches up with you in the end. Just this morning I finally woke up
to the realisation that quill marks on parchment aren’t the best way to submit
writing to editors. I took a breath and bought a typewriter. How did I get this
stuff onto your screen? Easy – via my pigeon. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-76566135064501684502013-02-20T08:10:00.005-08:002013-02-20T08:12:45.215-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>A nice cup of tea</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">1960s
British food was disgusting. An over-fried egg perched on top of a pile of damp
chips would be the weekly treat. Coffee was made from dried mud granules mixed
with bark. It wasn’t as disgusting as it sounds. It was worse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We didn’t rise
up to hang the ruling class, or at least the TV chefs, because you could get a
lovely cup of tea. The tea your mother made. The tea her mother made. Back in
Neolithic days the cave-mums had a mantra: “Warm the pot. Pour freshly boiled
water over the leaves. Brew for five minutes, put the milk in the cup first,
then the tea. Be warmed and refreshed and go out and kill that mammoth.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj89N9wV87ExxoWjTlIz2ahTki3gBjREx4NdiXWi42yanjFPHA2l6sM-c-fhQ0Q14jm7mVz3XiUtoZfaCJhjSC7LGpD9gQNEnzXDW85_wC9nzdHvOsISXs-lgSqLvdnsg2j55mXKRPNF6Ix/s1600/cup_of_tea_with_milk_INGPCYHE0799.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj89N9wV87ExxoWjTlIz2ahTki3gBjREx4NdiXWi42yanjFPHA2l6sM-c-fhQ0Q14jm7mVz3XiUtoZfaCJhjSC7LGpD9gQNEnzXDW85_wC9nzdHvOsISXs-lgSqLvdnsg2j55mXKRPNF6Ix/s320/cup_of_tea_with_milk_INGPCYHE0799.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yes, yes!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That’s what
my Yorkshire aunt told me, although we didn’t have mammoths any more, which is
a shame as they’d have varied our diets and given us a less reeky alternative
to the Afghan coat.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">London today
is full of stylish cafes serving fine food and coffee by young people who are lovely
in every respect but one. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Their tea is
pee.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At a trendy
West End coffee house this morning I asked the barista “Make me a cuppa.” I
might as well have said, “Serve me a flagon of Hyperion’s noblest canary, wench,”
so I rephrased the question. I forgave her fishing a teabag from a jar, as it’s
easier to get a phoenix egg in London than fresh leaf tea. What she did next was
to pour hot water from the urn into a mug. Next she splashed a couple of
tablespoons of milk into the water. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Then before
my eyes she dipped the bag into the cloudy liquid, which turned puce. At a
nearby table I saw someone trying to pull their teabag out with the wooden
stirrer, and sploshing it on the table. Someone else was drinking their tea
with the bag still in the mug. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Heavens
rumbled. A deep voice rang out, “Depraved ones, face your punishment!” The
pavement cracked. People screamed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A mammoth plodded
down the street so I rode it up to Yorkshire, where they still know how to make
a good cuppa. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz0taZu-9fs4T652tghUdVXCgLY_PybMri10cBTo9ZhGDST4F5nLm4lFl0Q4srtvj5yPAhaxWSBjsa0O5vQtbSB-HAt3ns3hBY2VOupRNgr141s1BI6TcUU89LDrSovaRhYhBbGkwpCkrO/s1600/7594444-cup-of-tea-isolated-on-white-background.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiz0taZu-9fs4T652tghUdVXCgLY_PybMri10cBTo9ZhGDST4F5nLm4lFl0Q4srtvj5yPAhaxWSBjsa0O5vQtbSB-HAt3ns3hBY2VOupRNgr141s1BI6TcUU89LDrSovaRhYhBbGkwpCkrO/s320/7594444-cup-of-tea-isolated-on-white-background.jpg" width="312" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">No, no!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-53857184777215059652013-02-14T12:47:00.001-08:002013-02-14T13:06:26.916-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A Baby Boomer’s Tough Childhood<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1bC5S6VPlOslbFysKFfvx0Tk1Hwirh0tTVhEq7IEkRI5T-965LbsN2aeOzYkkPrgUAdN5kOYYMHkixAF61-TMIdPWl3vqAkvYtRZEDGEdpSkKcDXvGJAd3hMUzJmRtqplv-A3EhLzBxTL/s1600/Stone-Age-Love-560x511.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="292" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1bC5S6VPlOslbFysKFfvx0Tk1Hwirh0tTVhEq7IEkRI5T-965LbsN2aeOzYkkPrgUAdN5kOYYMHkixAF61-TMIdPWl3vqAkvYtRZEDGEdpSkKcDXvGJAd3hMUzJmRtqplv-A3EhLzBxTL/s320/Stone-Age-Love-560x511.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I was conceived that night....</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">We had it
tough when I was a boy. Television? We had to watch a match box with a 3 cm
screen. Pictures weren’t in black and white. Just black. But we never
complained.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The war had
destroyed the food industry and all we had to eat was Cremola Foam. We got so
weak that some days we couldn’t even crawl into school. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">If we were lucky. At school Matron lined us up and force fed us cod liver oil. On
a bad day she would dish out lethal injections. But we didn’t complain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Mobile
phones – you’ve got to be joking. We communicated by lighting beacons. It
worked fine for news such as “Napoleon has been defeated” but wasn’t so good
for messages like “Get home right now you little bastard, your mum’s having
a fit!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Our dress
wasn’t fashionable or sexualised. In fact, under the heavy folds of grey
flannel and the bulging satchels, you couldn’t tell the boys from the girls.
Babies were created by leaving a scribbled request under the kitchen sink.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">But we never
complained.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When I was a
boy we didn’t spend all day glued to our computer screens. We got our
information by being crowded into pens in the snow and being forced to listen while teacher
read out the Prayer Book in Latin.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At least it
was outside, it was healthy. None of us were obese or had high cholesterol. We just
died of pneumonia, a far more virile way to go. And it was alright by us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">These days,
of course, the world is in a shocking state. It completely baffles us. And my
god, do we complain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-47351189961164510512013-02-11T08:47:00.004-08:002013-02-11T08:49:53.924-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">My Obituary. By Me<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">“My aim in
life is to be remembered.” Not my words – they were spoken to me by what’s his
name on the other end of my block. They’re my sentiments too, though, so I’ve
written out my all-too-often unsung life’s achievements for “The Times” obituary
column when I go, which I hope won’t be for some time yet (my bookie feels the
same way).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">At the age of 13, Tony built the first cellular communication
device. Sadly he was legally blocked by the Trade Descriptions Act when he
tried to market the 40lb, 3’ by 2’ by 1’ product as a Mobile Phone. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">His literary leanings took him to Oxford University. Elected
President of the Union, he spoke in the famous debate “This house believes the
British should get out of India”. The event happened twenty years beforehand,
which did not detract from the truth of his arguments.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Tony Kirwood became a key figure in 1960s Swinging London. He
introduced Keith Richards to the (literally) revolutionary reversed strings-next-the-body
guitar technique. This was used in “Jumping Jack Flash” - the title referred to
Keith’s electrocuted dance.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">In the early 1990s Tim Berners-Lee contacted Kirwood in
desperation, having hit a mental block trying to invent the World Wide Web. “I
just can’t get it to work” said Tim. Tony looked behind the machine and said,
“Try putting that plug in”. The rest is history.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Danny Boyle, stuck for ideas for the 2012 Olympic Games opening
ceremony, had no choice but to ring Kirwood up for advice. Boyle’s original concept was for a brass band
to play “Floral Dance” while the audience held up cigarette lighters. “It’ll
take James Bond to rescue that idea,” said Kirwood. Boyle replied “You’ve got it!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Tony Kirwood
leaves behind a wife, some baffled relatives and 37 unpaid bills.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-14322862853167257922013-01-31T12:06:00.001-08:002013-01-31T12:12:28.246-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Winter work-outs<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioAu-Hmo2BvNP7h8na0IuUfucOi7TZbw0OQBAsMtq5e5Et7iVtNH789nRv1848Zts1YodSOkOzErCqJQRwx_jXBoSHja0-0bdhz14SzveEZqsnwURBpe4-4Tl301ZFRX0Q3kJTd5d3SwFZ/s1600/th+(3).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioAu-Hmo2BvNP7h8na0IuUfucOi7TZbw0OQBAsMtq5e5Et7iVtNH789nRv1848Zts1YodSOkOzErCqJQRwx_jXBoSHja0-0bdhz14SzveEZqsnwURBpe4-4Tl301ZFRX0Q3kJTd5d3SwFZ/s1600/th+(3).jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Anything's better than painting the ceiling</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Baby boomers
know that they can’t follow the lifestyle of their twenties. If they did they’d
be dead, in prison, or confined to bed all day. OK, that last one seems a
pretty attractive option, but some of us are still trying to do stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Public-spirited
as ever, this blog is now going to share with you a stress-free, easy daily
exercise regime, a great way of keeping fit through the freezing winter. It’s a
gentle way of working up to half-marathon running (after which you may well be
dead, in prison or confined to bed) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">First
thing in the morning</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Get out of
bed. Get back into bed. Get out of bed again. Get back into bed. Repeat until
your partner groans “For heaven’s sake, <u>I’ll </u>make the tea.” Now you have the incentive of a
nice hot brew, getting up will be easier.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Mental
leaps (mid morning)</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sit on your
sofa and imagine doing a series of jumps. If this is a bit strenuous, imagine
someone else jumping. When I was at Drama School my method acting teacher told
me that thinking was doing. Ever since then, I’ve followed her words avidly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Horizontal
Star Jumps (After Lunch)</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">These are
regulation Star Jumps, but you do them lying down on the carpet. If you’re
feeling hard-core, do them face-down.
While you’re down there, you can always look for the contact lens you
dropped. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Bath
Push-ups (evening)</span></u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">If you run enough
water to hold your body weight, this is a breeze. It’s also an excellent
breathing exercise as you struggle to avoid gulping down the soapy brine.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Drinking
Very Fast (late evening)</span></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Aerobic
boozing is a great workout for the arms, the legs (getting up to the fridge for
another can) and the lungs as you bellow even louder at the TV.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Good luck. And
if these fail, you can always lie in bed till the spring.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-3699357854289647612013-01-18T12:46:00.000-08:002013-01-18T12:50:38.665-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Blues Ain’t Nothin’ but<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm4waSMTTRgClX_F9gmsHaBLkdvpCNADxkRVKOjYTLFXaU5ofTAWxze2WuCUF1BC95S4-Rgw645R8w2-rWLfS_mVi7b-NgyzTcIda019opfH0c2j-GLcGGH78NMKXSlYLG2qpMxxz1VcK_/s1600/MuddyWaters-Picture.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm4waSMTTRgClX_F9gmsHaBLkdvpCNADxkRVKOjYTLFXaU5ofTAWxze2WuCUF1BC95S4-Rgw645R8w2-rWLfS_mVi7b-NgyzTcIda019opfH0c2j-GLcGGH78NMKXSlYLG2qpMxxz1VcK_/s1600/MuddyWaters-Picture.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Even I couldn't get between Muddy and his fans</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">In December 1968 I worked in Dobells
Blues Record Shop down the Charing Cross Road. I wanted to avoid my Dad’s holiday
moans about my long hair but also I was a fanatical Blues convert.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Dobell’s was run by a cheery geezer
called Ray. I don’t know why he took me on. Maybe he thought I’d attract the
long-haired bespectacled stoned skinny white hippy student geek demographic.
Maybe he thought I’d chase everyone into the Jazz Shop next door where he worked.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It was like an alcoholic being put to
work in a distillery. I spent hours
listening to “Muddy Waters at Newport” on the headphones in the booth as the queue
built up. I’d dash to the counter. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Irritated shopper: “Have you got ‘Muddy
Waters at Newport?’” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yeah, er, this one copy left…”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It looks scratched.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Picky bastard, I thought. At least it had been wrecked by a genuine
Blues fan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’d then have a hazy debate with
shopper No. 2 about whether harmonicas are more expressive than guitars, as the
queue grew longer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Sometimes I’d put the wrong LP into
the sleeve for someone and they’d come back the next day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Look, I asked for Howlin’ Wolf’s
‘The Real Folk Blues’”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Oh, sorry…. er, can’t find it on the
shelf.”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
“That’s because you’ve been playing it in the booth.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">When people asked a serious question
like “Do you have Sleepy John Estes’ 1935 Brunswick Sessions with Hammie
Nixon?” I’d stare at them blankly. Just because I was a fanatic didn’t mean I
knew anything.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">After three weeks I finally went home
to a futile argument with my Dad. But I’d had a rich education in music and Ray
one in hippy students.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">All this is relevant. The news is full of the death of High Street
shops. People are buying online and are jaded with the store experience.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At last I have a footnote in history.
Because, you see, it was me who started the trend.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-84273969652128602472013-01-09T12:39:00.000-08:002013-01-09T12:45:21.652-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b>The Joy of Vinyl</b></span></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCPEgRJQdKHU1GS3qdDPe_Q83JfNKEihkk4YAbbSCMeoVQ88J20BWFAzq4h9QQtsvJI0iFS7otiZ_2WsHzBYZSLqwpqe1t5Hiqr9rsP6Mu6cM2CZmW3s4Q5wyngi8YoeQoGdz_w2nwqwax/s1600/074.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCPEgRJQdKHU1GS3qdDPe_Q83JfNKEihkk4YAbbSCMeoVQ88J20BWFAzq4h9QQtsvJI0iFS7otiZ_2WsHzBYZSLqwpqe1t5Hiqr9rsP6Mu6cM2CZmW3s4Q5wyngi8YoeQoGdz_w2nwqwax/s320/074.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My original copy. You can hear the scratches from where you're sitting</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Last night I
moved aside the DVD player, disconnected the VHS, plugged in the turntable and,
for the first time in years, I spent a couple of hours listening to our old
record collection. Bob Marley, The Beatles, Muddy Waters. Vinyl’s beautiful.
It’s one thing about which My Teenage Self and I are in agreement.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: Hey, don’t push it.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: I’m not. Vinyl has flaws. People who say vinyl’s
scratching is just like life’s background noise must share a place with an
incurable crisp packet cruncher who thumps the floor every 15 seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: Yeah, you never did look after the collection.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: Who’s talking – the one who scattered unsleeved
LPs on the carpet muttering “Wow, that one’s tooo much”? No,
what’s good about vinyl is the ritual. Dropping the needle cleanly onto the rim
was the only eye-hand co-ordination skill I ever gained.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: Looks like it atrophied pretty quickly.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: Where did you get such long words? I can tell
you – and it wasn’t books.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: What do you mean? I’m doing a literature
degree!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: So it definitely wasn’t books. It was LP
covers. It was the only reading you did. Apart from cornflake packets and “The
Furry Freak Brothers”.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: “Atrophied” - I got that from LP blurbs?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: Some of those 1960s Jazz LP liner notes
used longer words than the solos. And then there was the front covers, the only
art appreciation you did for about 15 years. Peter Blake’s “Sergeant Pepper”
cover led to Picasso and Goya. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: God, you’ve got boring.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: I did or you did? No, thanks to vinyl, you
kept your tastes intact. Not least, Muddy Waters: “Rollin’ and Tumblin” – it’s still
great!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">MTS: It would be if the groove wasn’t stuck. That
must have been you. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Me: Cheeky – it was you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">WE ARGUE
UNTIL EXHAUSTED.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-75485526682505909662013-01-04T12:49:00.000-08:002013-01-04T12:58:35.395-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Please Please Me…..<o:p></o:p></span></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></b>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlqFBcVIGsz6VrR3dhHha1Qs7RJHtrls7jo_XNYlWmNeFNQcixjtn2rHKNYeVsE3NkNiid7ORSnkvY5mJoSgZ4h2P-tnxkutXXekcmj1sGZ37R-wrGr_whNt1jsf8df9e7Jdst5BodOygl/s1600/the_beatles_emi_house_stairwell_1963+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlqFBcVIGsz6VrR3dhHha1Qs7RJHtrls7jo_XNYlWmNeFNQcixjtn2rHKNYeVsE3NkNiid7ORSnkvY5mJoSgZ4h2P-tnxkutXXekcmj1sGZ37R-wrGr_whNt1jsf8df9e7Jdst5BodOygl/s320/the_beatles_emi_house_stairwell_1963+(1).jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They nearly jumped...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">So it’s 2013,
the 50th anniversary of the release of the Beatles’ first LP. By general
reckoning this is the year the sixties began, setting the tone for the decade’s
notoriously sloppy timekeeping. But forget
all the myths - what really happened during those turbulent years? Here’s another
sheet of student pass notes, from someone who swears he was there (well, that’s
what my birth certificate tells me)<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Things were
incredibly cheap in the sixties. A house cost about six pounds twelve shillings
and threepence halfpenny. However the pre-decimal currency was so complicated
that people were nervous about spending money. The market slumped. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">A draconian
Government edict of 1967 compelled people to dance on the streets. This gave
rise to the famous protest movement, in particular the sit-ins. Anything but
dance! The tyrannical law was finally defeated by the lousy weather.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">As Philip
Larkin said, sexual intercourse was invented in 1963. The inventor was a
Middlesborough guy called Darren. He was having too much fun to remember to
patent it, and, although the idea caught on like wildfire, he died penniless,
ruined by a stack of paternity suits.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Pretty well
everything else was invented in the sixties, too. Music, Lycra, Bronco toilet
rolls, mumbling and Goldie Hawn. Goldie Hawn has proved very long-lasting and
has been kept on, long after anyone can remember what her original purpose was.
<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">The single
most significant social development of the sixties was the nylon sock. This led
to the invention of the Odoureater and, soon after, the washing machine. The
combination of the socks, energetic movement and plastic shoes was toxic. To
this day British males hate to dance. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Trebuchet MS, sans-serif;">Were we
happy then? Decide for yourself but remember: this was the decade when people
started landing on the moon….</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-72745520395371715332012-12-31T06:30:00.000-08:002012-12-31T06:55:53.591-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Easy Resolutions<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">New Year
used to make me sweat. It wasn’t just my hangover or waistline (both thicker
than normal). It was the knowledge that
all my vows to become a better person over the next twelve months would, by the
middle of February, be toast. No, not toast. A slab of full fat cheese on top
of a bacon buttie washed down by a quart of whisky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">At last I’ve
found the answer. For 2013 I’m making resolutions which I have 100% chance of
keeping. I’m going to:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Give
up drinking beer in thimbles. Although it’s great for your brain/hand
co-ordination, it involves a lot of spilt liquid and stained settees. Besides,
my wife’s continually complaining about her bleeding fingers.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Give
up making advances to strange women. It’s a bad habit. No more striking up
inappropriate conversations with women who knot harpoons into their hair or end
every sentence with a word in Sanskrit. I wasn’t getting very far with those
types anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Give
up the Triathlon. OK, I’ve never actually done the Triathlon, but for a day
during this year’s Olympics, I had fantasies of emerging dripping from the
water like Colin Firth in “Pride & Prejudice”, clambering onto a bike and punching
the air as I ride through rows of adoring punters. It’s terribly bad for the
health.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">On the positive side, I’m going to take up:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Power
walking. My aims are realistic: I’m
going to do my power walks solely between the coffee maker and the fridge when
I’m hunting for milk. I lose my guilt, I lose my flab, I keep my caffeine rush.
Win win.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 7pt; line-height: normal;">
</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Community
activism. No man is an island. From now on, I’m helping my neighbours out. I
can see some teenagers lobbing beer cans into the hedge. No holding back. I’m
going out to help them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -18.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Happy New
Year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-87804558412918215422012-12-23T12:38:00.002-08:002012-12-23T12:41:17.908-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 18px;"><b>A<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> Baby Boomer Christmas Carol</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“Bah
humbug!” muttered the grumpy old baby boomer. He’d spent Christmas Eve in his shed
successfully avoiding the Jingle Bells muzac and the drunks in Santa hats. But
right now, as he tried to reenter his house, next door’s 6’ high flashing sleigh
lights threatened him with an epileptic fit. Inside he slipped on a Christmas
Card from an estate agent who wanted to buy up the street. He turned on the TV:
“Christmas With the Kranks” “Humbug!!” he growled.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">That night
an apparition came to his room. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past,” it said. “I
want to show you your Christmases weren’t always miserable.” <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Grumpy
Old Baby Boomer saw his 8 year old self on Christmas Day blissfully spraying
his sister with his ray gun water pistol and knocking the gravy off the table
with his Roy Rogers lasso.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another wraith
appeared. “Two ghosts!” exclaimed the Grumpy Old Baby Boomer, “This is a matter
for Pest Control!” “I am the Ghost of Christmas Present,” said the wraith, “See
how you’re destroying the spirit of Christmas.” It showed images of himself groaning
at Slade’s “Merry Christmas”, sneering
at the “Downton Abbey” Christmas Special and hissing at all the holly-decked
people lining up to sell him things he didn’t want.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">When the
Ghost of Christmas Future showed up, the Grumpy Old Baby Boomer had had it. “I’m not doing a tour of my lonely grave! Not
even if it’s free.” “Relax,” chuckled the ghost, “you’re going to see how
Christmas could be.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The GOB was
shown a room with a smell of roasting bird drifting in. A bottle of Chilean Merlot
stood on the table. His sparkling-eyed wife proffered him a cracker and a hug. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It looked
good.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> “Unfortunately,” said the Ghost, “According to
a survey, Christmas dinner raises cholesterol unacceptably high. Red wine has
been shown to cause cancer and increase incidence of whooping cough. A
government report finds that human warmth is economically unproductive. So they’ve
banned Christmas.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">“They’re banning
Christmas?” shouted the Baby boomer. “It’s humbug!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">The Ghost
uncrossed its fingers. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">“That’s the
spirit” it said.</span></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-8136111796081162432012-12-20T12:48:00.000-08:002012-12-20T12:50:02.679-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The Deafening Sound of Silence<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkTNGCDuAh6qMYgqiiaS3O38KoeSgpwJjSt34vjyhWyA-HVvx4X7-1cyoKA6YOklYIFqoo1mTYrV7Q9aIPbEWrfC3Pc5I3sH1D-1i1vBx3ap1k58duXhbFGd4peh9m_aMsREJAkpKxPNpg/s1600/2011-12-19+09.38.06.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkTNGCDuAh6qMYgqiiaS3O38KoeSgpwJjSt34vjyhWyA-HVvx4X7-1cyoKA6YOklYIFqoo1mTYrV7Q9aIPbEWrfC3Pc5I3sH1D-1i1vBx3ap1k58duXhbFGd4peh9m_aMsREJAkpKxPNpg/s320/2011-12-19+09.38.06.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">It goes in one......</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I developed
tinnitus about 5 years ago. I caught it from Jimi Hendrix in 1969. At least, I
hope it was him rather than the overloud discos at whose margins I fretted at
the time. Getting a bad hangover from stale beer is twice as annoying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I became
very tense, couldn’t sleep for two months, and drove my wife crazy as I tossed,
turned and groaned. I finally got a tinnitus relief programme from a doctor in
LA. I normally avoid programmes - they sound like something you have to do in
prison. I followed the exercises religiously. “Exercises” isn’t the word: they
were easy (like relaxing your jaw ten times) and no-one could see me doing
them, the lack of both attributes being the reason I don’t jog.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">It worked. I
slowly learned to live with the ringing. I turned the sonic threat into a neutral
or even welcome sound. Surf was up in my sandy Thai beach. Friendly aliens had
picked me as their human contact before bringing peace on earth, not before ray-gunning everyone on “Celebrity Big Brother” as a special thanks to me. An oven was warming
up for a chicken roast (Honey Chicken: lightly brush the bird with Soy Sauce,
baste in butter then spoon over honey 15 minutes before removing. It’s
delicious.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">That chicken
saved my marriage. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">A few nights
ago our upstairs neighbours were away. We knew because their teenage daughter
held a party. It sounded like a street that was being dug up and simultaneously
being subjected to an air raid. Chikachakachikachakakkkkkkkkkchika. And that was
just the conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I tried
relaxing my jaw and doing the chicken trick. It didn’t work. Those kids had no
appreciation of my brilliant recipe. I doubt if they’d tone it down for canard
a l’orange and tarte tatin. I tossed and
turned and groaned. Luckily so did my wife.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m going to
contact Dr M. We’re going to work on a programme which cuts out the real outside
noise. I’ll be able to muffle the police sirens by flaring my nostrils. And win
the Good Neighbour award.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-16747095036182207502012-12-16T05:05:00.000-08:002012-12-16T05:13:15.928-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Help! I hate Hobbits<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><i>The picture of a Hobbit has been removed. This is a family website which is accessible to adults.</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TRANSCRIPT
OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN DR JULIUS PROD AND MR TONY KIRWOOD. LOCATION, DR PROD’S
CLINIC.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">DR. PROD: I’ve diagnosed your condition, Mr Kirwood. It’s Brevicuspauriculaphobia
- the fear of small pointy-eared people. Specifically, Hobbits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK FOAMS AT THE MOUTH AND ROLLS ON
THE FLOOR AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: Tell
me your symptoms.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK: Excruciating
ennui and disgust. You must help me. They’ve infested my flat. I hear them
sniggering under my kitchen sink. They get into my fridge. They leave their
droppings everywhere. They jump out at me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: (CALMLY)
Of course, they don’t in reality.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK: Yes
they do. They’re in 3-D! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: Now
you must ask yourself, how can a Hobb -<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(TK CONVULSES)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: - er, one of these proportionally different people actually hurt you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK: If
I see one of them, I know I’ll be trapped in a dark room and subjected to
endless CGI battles….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: Ah!
You find the battles scary?<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK: I
wish I did! And then there’s three hours of stilted dialogue, cardboard
characters, overloaded visuals, nausea….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: We’ll
try Exposure Therapy. It’ll acclimatise you with a steady and constant exposure
to Hobbits. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK: That’s
what’s happening already!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: Then
using hypnotherapy, we’ll send you to sleep over 9 hours of the Lord of the
Rings trilogy….. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK: I
don’t like the sound of this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: We’ll
strap you in and brainwash you with electric shocks. Ha! Fool, you didn’t
realise that Dr Prod is a mere disguise. My true identity is…..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">HE RIPS OFF HIS WHITE COAT AND WIG<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">PROD: ….
PETER JACKSON!!!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">LIGHTS DIM. TK IS ENCASED IN METAL FETTERS. A SCREEN
LIGHTS UP WITH THE </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -72pt;">START OF </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -72pt;">“AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY”.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; text-indent: -72pt;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">JACKSON: YOU…WILL….LOVE…HOBBITS!...YOU…WILL…LOVE…….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">TK SCREAMS.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-73336452267286195692012-12-12T09:16:00.001-08:002012-12-12T09:22:49.103-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><b>Notes From Beyond the Veil</b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVeGpaGVQsosn_gRDIzQh4kNRK4_aj8j_5DGaR68i9DUnIJs6kWFTbxnKbShz3_gEU8fhqCwI6gYOvo2OaGlVZrLRxHh2KsmGI1IhsV6J5XkDEkFPDzwCO3fP0Pgx2uBJl8oK4WIb3eGi/s1600/HAMLET80.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZVeGpaGVQsosn_gRDIzQh4kNRK4_aj8j_5DGaR68i9DUnIJs6kWFTbxnKbShz3_gEU8fhqCwI6gYOvo2OaGlVZrLRxHh2KsmGI1IhsV6J5XkDEkFPDzwCO3fP0Pgx2uBJl8oK4WIb3eGi/s320/HAMLET80.JPG" width="282" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Alas Poor Hamlet</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m dead.
This is not paranoia, nor some kind of acidhead hippy fantasy. It’s a
clinically proveable fact. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">How do I
know this? Science, of course.
First, I live in Lewisham. A survey says that male residents of this
impoverished (in patches) area of London have a statistical chance of dying at
70.8 years. I regularly see men walking about who are over 70.8, but I address
them bluntly: “What makes you so special? Think you’re cleverer than the doctors
who’ve spent years studying this stuff?”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Another
survey says that people who sit down for longer than 3 hours a day lose 2 years
off their life. I’m a writer. I also love watching Scandinavian detective
drama, sitcoms and the Toyota “Mob Guy” advert. None of this stuff is improved
by doing it while sweating over an exercise bike. 3 hours seated? I did more
than that when I had piles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Yet another
survey warns that every cigarette cuts 11 minutes off your life. I only smoked
for 10 years of my reckless youth, but 25 cigarettes a day adds up to 91,250, which
by my reckoning is 1.90 years deducted off my account.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Lewisham’s
rated highly on the pollution scale. Our contribution to the world carbon monoxide
count is pretty impressive. An EU survey says living in areas like this cuts up
to 8 months off your life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m 65.25
years old. I think you can see where this is heading. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My
cholesterol is on the low end of the highish spectrum, although I reduce it by
thinking of Chris Moyles whenever I pass a cheese counter. Totting up an
average of cholesterol survey results, by my calculation a whole year’s gone
ping. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">So, if you
have the adding up skills of the average 15 year old - change that – of the
average bank clerk – you’ll see that there can be no arguing. 70.80 – 5.62 =
65.18. Statistically, I’m no longer alive.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Having said
that, life improves when you’re dead. For a start, I’m much less worried about
my health. I read fewer surveys. I’m probably more fun to be around. Who knows,
I’ll come across another survey which says that being dead increases your life
expectancy by 5.62 years. And I’ll be back to where I was when I started.
Except 1 ½ hours older.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-46330120427940920402012-12-05T13:29:00.002-08:002012-12-05T13:39:27.164-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The Beautiful Virus<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj81rN9zs0tF6e0bOcjelKPflYwQdydxGUK8Z1l_o8tCzy3DNdzj7qqwF-QESH1a2rOSOeOOpTSY6zyz21tDanj_OPNOkOZir2JggfOgdr1edJ_wuT3Ui3XudHwqCXpsRc4m3nlX4KiS9uP/s1600/th+(2).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj81rN9zs0tF6e0bOcjelKPflYwQdydxGUK8Z1l_o8tCzy3DNdzj7qqwF-QESH1a2rOSOeOOpTSY6zyz21tDanj_OPNOkOZir2JggfOgdr1edJ_wuT3Ui3XudHwqCXpsRc4m3nlX4KiS9uP/s1600/th+(2).jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Inner Space</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">I’m just getting over a rotten
cold. It hasn’t been nice, but, as a Brit, I feel I’ve done my bit. Colds are
one of the glories of our culture, along with Shakespeare and Blake, and you’re
expected to participate. Immigrants from warmer countries should be offered classes
in the social significance of being a bit congested. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">In fact, we should all do them,
Brits and non-Brits. It’s a matter of sharing our National Heritage. Here are just a few of the deep-rooted Folk Customs
of the Sniffling Season.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The Ceremony
of the Spreading of the Germs. </span></u><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> This is held where large numbers of people are
crushed together, mainly on commuter trains and the tube. The ceremony begins
with a few people tentatively sniffing into their Kleenexes. Someone (maybe in
olden times they would have worn stag’s horns), sneezes out loud. There is a
ritual Giving the Disapproving Glare and Holding up the Newspaper. Then someone
responds to the sneeze. By the time the train pulls in, nearly everyone will be
joining in a Mass Snort. The effect is overpoweringly emotional. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The
Respectful Concert Cough</span></u><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> When an orchestra plays, in between movements
it’s customary to encourage the players with a low cough which goes round the
Hall. When this fails to happen, conductors turn round and glare at the
audience until someone starts to splutter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">The Water
Cooler Moan Game</span></u><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"> This involves delicate conversational skills
which can take years to master. The opening gambit goes something like “I’ve
got a real shocker. Had it for two weeks.”
The response is “It’s going round.” People with real finesse might come
out with something like “Honey and lemon’s best”. Intimidated pre-initiates
should not hover round the margins. By getting in close they’ll catch the cold
and tomorrow have a bash at the opening gambit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgz-Hc_hAKIRCdz2SbMjmYm7t63Lss7nqrwFJm4Xc7YKhMtFwfluM4uMuPXDhSG5n2cl2y7YBod1zeiLem6x50uOZ4BhcxaZ7WJ-FOoIQa7mb1WNzaZOK_sHCpPZVXQKPoqXjFLj5-wOz9/s1600/5823376-flu-virus-closeup-isolated-on-white-background.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhgz-Hc_hAKIRCdz2SbMjmYm7t63Lss7nqrwFJm4Xc7YKhMtFwfluM4uMuPXDhSG5n2cl2y7YBod1zeiLem6x50uOZ4BhcxaZ7WJ-FOoIQa7mb1WNzaZOK_sHCpPZVXQKPoqXjFLj5-wOz9/s320/5823376-flu-virus-closeup-isolated-on-white-background.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">We should celebrate Cold Culture with
an International Mucus Day. Your suggestions are welcome. For example, at
midday everyone could participate in a Two Minute Sneeze (sponsored by the
hanky industry). We could market it with the slogan “It’s like Red Nose Day,
except you don’t need to buy the nose”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">When to have it? In the classic period
for British colds, of course – the summer. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-27999042816788407032012-12-03T01:22:00.000-08:002012-12-03T02:10:10.589-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Shopping With Babes and Mum<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgTYj_pIICeWcrqGCxZhnoFGrwJVmn88hLMGliP-v0hZf7jebZfIUhpUvrYDNFBnXGMEwwGGl6jclMWYKMB6op1l9WnB8nP0z-4OJagMRLrr6hTh3_cWnja2fjNWiHYvq62wyEy4JdlUR/s1600/images+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWgTYj_pIICeWcrqGCxZhnoFGrwJVmn88hLMGliP-v0hZf7jebZfIUhpUvrYDNFBnXGMEwwGGl6jclMWYKMB6op1l9WnB8nP0z-4OJagMRLrr6hTh3_cWnja2fjNWiHYvq62wyEy4JdlUR/s1600/images+(1).jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">By 2050 they'll have taken over</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He nearly
crashes into me at the Cakes corner. He’s steaming round with his baby buggy
from the Desserts, I’m heading from the Deli Fridge. “Do we really need more
rice?” he asks. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m about to
suggest he tries couscous, although he doesn’t look like a couscous kind of man,
when the cord dangling from his ear tells me it’s not my opinion he’s
canvassing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“OK babes”
he sighs, moving on as he stuffs another packet of Uncle Ben’s into the basket
balanced by the child’s rack of toys, “Your mum….” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I examine my
crumpled shopping list. Milk Toothpaste
Chilli Powder Pasta. I feel like a relic
of a simpler time, like a mastodon who’s made it into the Bronze Age. I check
what we need, write it down, and get it.
In other aspects of my life I’m as chaotic as a teenager, but my
shopping runs along rigid lines, thanks to that Pleistocene scrap of paper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Hands-free
guy has parked the buggy by the cheese. “Does it have to be Cheshire, babes?”
he moans, spitting “Your mum!…. no, not <i>three</i>….”
but he slips the packets into the basket anyway. As I pass I hold up my list to
show him there’s another way which involves no arguments, no looming relatives,
no payment plans. He’s too busy balancing the crammed basket on the top of the
buggy to notice.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">The milk has
moved. I curse the chain stores and their way of shifting the shelves around hoping
you’ll be tempted by all the crisp packets you pass as you search. But Tescos
Inc have met their match with me and my list.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He’s now by
the cereals, having a furious argument about Cocoa Pops. Mum doesn’t like
Shreddies, and he’s outnumbered by her and babes. I cruise past, but they’ve
moved the pasta as well so he just beats me to the till queue. Baby’s begining
to moan. His basket is overflowi</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">ng while mine contains the four items. “Chicken
nuggets on two for one? Look, I’m… OK, OK….”</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">He pushes
his way past me back into the shop to dig out the nuggets. I’m left alone with
baby and pull a face at it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I finally make
it through the till. “Want our Loyalty Card?” asks the woman.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I check my list</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">. Milk Toothpaste Chilli Powder Pasta. “No” I say. </span></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-59624073438246012852012-11-25T12:21:00.000-08:002012-11-25T12:28:31.409-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Having
a Pint in the Senior’s Arms<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8YRuPTSNPMrvRWn7Xp2wGAamHFncPRQBkakQXZupiBmQ9R9zixFgo4Mh4RuAjdHbu1zxGrCVk7MZENypMKy_KX5ooCRyXVpiRL65gAJeQh9Sg97_62we_m0bBZTaZB8Twgm5nY6AbPlOV/s1600/article-0-14F0B76D000005DC-5_638x422.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8YRuPTSNPMrvRWn7Xp2wGAamHFncPRQBkakQXZupiBmQ9R9zixFgo4Mh4RuAjdHbu1zxGrCVk7MZENypMKy_KX5ooCRyXVpiRL65gAJeQh9Sg97_62we_m0bBZTaZB8Twgm5nY6AbPlOV/s320/article-0-14F0B76D000005DC-5_638x422.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">He's actually converted his sitting room</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">My Teenage Self wants a word with me.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“It’s your drinking” he mumbles.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“I’ve had four pints and a double scotch,” I say, “That’s
respectable boozing!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Nah. It’s your conversation. Your demeanour.” Then MTS
hisses, “<i>Old man’s pub!</i>”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We’ve always detested old man’s pubs. They reek of
stale beer and pee. To remove the old blokes from their stools would need
surgery. They glare at anyone who’s not over 70, male or from the other end of
the counter. Their conversation is torpid and their attitudes mean enough to
steep their dentures in.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’m nothing like that. Am I?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“What’s wrong with my conversation?” I ask. In fact
I’ve just been chatting to Fred. I said “Beer’s good tonight.” He said “Joe
in?” I said “No.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">MTS was unimpressed. “Boring! Nothing happens here!!!!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“Yes it does – look, Joe’s coming in.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Coming up, Joe said, “Beer good tonight?” I said “Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">MTS sneers. “You’re starting to glare at young
people. Like those ones over there.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“What do you expect?” I cry, “They’re drinking <i>lager</i>!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I try to rise up from the bar stool to make my
point. Inexplicably, I’m stuck to it. This makes me think. Does MTS have a
point?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Things used to be livelier. I remember when Joe and
I held Harry by the shoulders as he danced on the ceiling. I remember getting
thrown from a pub for singing “Three German Officers”. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe I could make the conversation more
challenging. Maybe I could drop my trousers and do a tango along the counter….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Maybe not. The company’s fine. And the beer’s good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ll tell MTS to hop it. I’ll start singing soon.
And he doesn’t want to be anywhere near.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3766227564368227891.post-83921433092160172872012-11-18T09:35:00.000-08:002012-11-18T09:42:40.356-08:00<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">High
Heels – the Staggering Truth<o:p></o:p></span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVQgSsV6qzkpQgjJc_nQNVZsEh7us91NIrQFRmUBwuiOJFBT73E7raciILAQJZGuvBjpo10z0LtDTxcUiaBNfIf6f_0bO_ahM8W3knygXEiVrAQvE8vS0URJPJ8P5DnvzbkBbBMENywDx5/s1600/th.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVQgSsV6qzkpQgjJc_nQNVZsEh7us91NIrQFRmUBwuiOJFBT73E7raciILAQJZGuvBjpo10z0LtDTxcUiaBNfIf6f_0bO_ahM8W3knygXEiVrAQvE8vS0URJPJ8P5DnvzbkBbBMENywDx5/s1600/th.jpg" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVQgSsV6qzkpQgjJc_nQNVZsEh7us91NIrQFRmUBwuiOJFBT73E7raciILAQJZGuvBjpo10z0LtDTxcUiaBNfIf6f_0bO_ahM8W3knygXEiVrAQvE8vS0URJPJ8P5DnvzbkBbBMENywDx5/s1600/th.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVQgSsV6qzkpQgjJc_nQNVZsEh7us91NIrQFRmUBwuiOJFBT73E7raciILAQJZGuvBjpo10z0LtDTxcUiaBNfIf6f_0bO_ahM8W3knygXEiVrAQvE8vS0URJPJ8P5DnvzbkBbBMENywDx5/s1600/th.jpg" /></a></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">We went to a do recently. I can’t think of another
word to describe it – it was too small for a party, too static for a dance and
too boozy for a prayer meeting. The women got talking about shoes. Normally when
women get on to the subject of their shoes, I start to count the number of tufts
in the carpet. Then one woman said she had 35 pairs. Her tone was confessional,
a bit like admitting to owning just two teaspoons. Another woman, with purple
highlights, said she had 50. She’d be bringing the stock up to normal soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Call me out of touch with the current female zeitgeist,
but I’m baffled. 50 pairs? All for the same feet? It’s like having 50 phones. Per
hand, it works out the same mathematically. By the time you get to pair 50,
pair 1 will be out of fashion. You’ll have to hit that mail order website
again, but I suppose that’s the idea.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">I blame “Sex and the City”. Some women now think
their lives are meaningless unless they can open the wardrobe door and 75 pairs
of Jimmy Choos fall out. I’ve seen them staggering out for a pint of milk in a
£5.99 Primark tracksuit and a 4” pair of Manolos. I’ve seen them running for a
bus and falling over their stilettos. I’m sure they stockpile shoes like nuclear
weapons and creep out at night to gloat
at them, glowing in an eerie radioactive light. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">“How do you work through 50 pairs -” I asked
highlight woman, “on a rota basis?” “Oh no” she replied, “some of them I never
take out of the box.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Quite right. Nothing wrecks a pair of shoes so completely
as wearing them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
TonyKhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05351739500139370847noreply@blogger.com3