Skills We’ve Lost Over the Last 60
Years
DEFROSTING A
SPITFIRE
You’re at
40,000 feet and the tanks have frozen. Suddenly you’re set upon by a squadron
of Messerschmitts. What do you do? Today’s shiftless, apathetic youth would be
at a loss, wouldn’t they, huh? HUH?
I felt
ashamed writing the last paragraph. You see, I’m a baby boomer. Buzzing about
in Spitfires wasn’t something we did. We caught a bus instead. But we did have
some vital, manly skills which are in danger of being lost and which I’m
anxious to pass on.
GAUGEING THE
NUMBER OF 45 RPM SINGLES TO PUT ON A SPINDLE
Too few, and
you keep having to get up and stick another batch onto the turntable. Too many,
and the accumulated lack of friction will slow the disc down and make even
Dusty Springfield sound as she’s flaking
out on Mandrax.
HOW TO CLEAN
AN AFGHAN COAT
Put it in
the launderette and it’ll come out like a wet Kleenex but dry into sheet metal.
Dab at it and it’ll come up in blisters. The answer is don’t wash it! It’s
supposed to smell! In a year’s time you can put it out in the garden and grow
carrots on it.
HOW TO CATCH
A ROUTEMASTER BUS
These
vehicles had an open back with a pole to hang on to. The technique is to wait
till the bus is nearly moving then dash up and lunge at the pole. Your arm will
nearly be pulled out of its socket, which is very yogic. When the bus speeds, cling
to the pole like a teenager to an iPhone. This is pretty well the only exercise
we hippies ever get.
GETTING AN
OLD-FASHIONED TV TO WORK
Back in the
60s, we TV watchers are real men. If technology goes wrong, no running blubbing
to the support line for us. When the picture folds we just get up and kick the
box. One kick for BBC , three kicks for ITV.
OPENING A
CAN OF WATNEYS PARTY 7 BEER
My
generation aren’t called upon to defuse unexploded German bombs in the streets.
But we do have to tackle Watneys Party 7 cans. There are no guaranteed safe
techniques. It’s a matter of levering up the pointed opener till it pierces the
top and running like hell as the geyser spouts. But even that isn’t as
dangerous as drinking the beer….
No comments:
Post a Comment