Sunday, 23 December 2012

A Baby Boomer Christmas Carol

“Bah humbug!” muttered the grumpy old baby boomer. He’d spent Christmas Eve in his shed successfully avoiding the Jingle Bells muzac and the drunks in Santa hats. But right now, as he tried to reenter his house, next door’s 6’ high flashing sleigh lights threatened him with an epileptic fit. Inside he slipped on a Christmas Card from an estate agent who wanted to buy up the street. He turned on the TV: “Christmas With the Kranks” “Humbug!!” he growled.

That night an apparition came to his room. “I am the Ghost of Christmas Past,” it said. “I want to show you your Christmases weren’t always miserable.”

The Grumpy Old Baby Boomer saw his 8 year old self on Christmas Day blissfully spraying his sister with his ray gun water pistol and knocking the gravy off the table with his Roy Rogers lasso.

Another wraith appeared. “Two ghosts!” exclaimed the Grumpy Old Baby Boomer, “This is a matter for Pest Control!” “I am the Ghost of Christmas Present,” said the wraith, “See how you’re destroying the spirit of Christmas.” It showed images of himself groaning at Slade’s “Merry Christmas”,  sneering at the “Downton Abbey” Christmas Special and hissing at all the holly-decked people lining up to sell him things he didn’t want.

When the Ghost of Christmas Future showed up, the Grumpy Old Baby Boomer had had it.  “I’m not doing a tour of my lonely grave! Not even if it’s free.” “Relax,” chuckled the ghost, “you’re going to see how Christmas could be.”

The GOB was shown a room with a smell of roasting bird drifting in. A bottle of Chilean Merlot stood on the table. His sparkling-eyed wife proffered him a cracker and a hug.

It looked good.

 “Unfortunately,” said the Ghost, “According to a survey, Christmas dinner raises cholesterol unacceptably high. Red wine has been shown to cause cancer and increase incidence of whooping cough. A government report finds that human warmth is economically unproductive. So they’ve banned Christmas.”

“They’re banning Christmas?” shouted the Baby boomer. “It’s humbug!”

The Ghost uncrossed its fingers.  “That’s the spirit” it said.

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