Monday, 31 December 2012

Easy Resolutions

New Year used to make me sweat. It wasn’t just my hangover or waistline (both thicker than normal).  It was the knowledge that all my vows to become a better person over the next twelve months would, by the middle of February, be toast. No, not toast. A slab of full fat cheese on top of a bacon buttie washed down by a quart of whisky.

At last I’ve found the answer. For 2013 I’m making resolutions which I have 100% chance of keeping. I’m going to:

·        Give up drinking beer in thimbles. Although it’s great for your brain/hand co-ordination, it involves a lot of spilt liquid and stained settees. Besides, my wife’s continually complaining about her bleeding fingers.

·        Give up making advances to strange women. It’s a bad habit. No more striking up inappropriate conversations with women who knot harpoons into their hair or end every sentence with a word in Sanskrit. I wasn’t getting very far with those types anyway.

·        Give up the Triathlon. OK, I’ve never actually done the Triathlon, but for a day during this year’s Olympics, I had fantasies of emerging dripping from the water like Colin Firth in “Pride & Prejudice”, clambering onto a bike and punching the air as I ride through rows of adoring punters. It’s terribly bad for the health.

On the positive side, I’m going to take up:

·        Power walking. My aims are realistic:  I’m going to do my power walks solely between the coffee maker and the fridge when I’m hunting for milk. I lose my guilt, I lose my flab, I keep my caffeine rush. Win win.

·        Community activism. No man is an island. From now on, I’m helping my neighbours out. I can see some teenagers lobbing beer cans into the hedge. No holding back. I’m going out to help them.

Happy New Year.


  1. Thanks mate. You've thrown a lifeline to folks lost at sea. To vague questions like "So what's your NY resolution" which I have tried to dodge mostly, but where cornered could only come up with responses like "Try to get a job" which I have no hope of fulfilling. I now see light...Wish you a happy 2013.

  2. A triathlon is 3.86 km (swimming), 180 km (cycling) and 42.2 km (running). I gave up reading the Wikipedia article about it, it was so exhausting - I'm convinced in my ability to stroke out during any one of its core disciplines (one would hope, not while submerged).

    These lager lobbers might be an untapped resource for a baseball farm team.

    All the best in 2013.

  3. Thanks for the info. Now I feel even better about giving up the Triathlon. Next year I'll be giving up the 10,000 metres. Mo Farah deserves a chance, after all.