I'm not a grumpy old man, just an out of synch hippy

Sunday, 16 December 2012


Help! I hate Hobbits

The picture of a Hobbit has been removed. This is a family website which is accessible to adults.

TRANSCRIPT OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN DR JULIUS PROD AND MR TONY KIRWOOD. LOCATION, DR PROD’S CLINIC.

DR. PROD:     I’ve diagnosed your condition, Mr Kirwood. It’s Brevicuspauriculaphobia - the fear of small pointy-eared people. Specifically, Hobbits.

TK FOAMS AT THE MOUTH AND ROLLS ON THE FLOOR AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD.

PROD:            Tell me your symptoms.

TK:                  Excruciating ennui and disgust. You must help me. They’ve infested my flat. I hear them sniggering under my kitchen sink. They get into my fridge. They leave their droppings everywhere. They jump out at me!

PROD:            (CALMLY) Of course, they don’t in reality.

TK:                 Yes they do. They’re in 3-D!

PROD:            Now you must ask yourself, how can a Hobb -

(TK CONVULSES)

PROD:            - er, one of these proportionally different people actually hurt you?

TK:                  If I see one of them, I know I’ll be trapped in a dark room and subjected to endless CGI battles….

PROD:            Ah! You find the battles scary?

TK:                  I wish I did! And then there’s three hours of stilted dialogue, cardboard characters, overloaded visuals, nausea….

PROD:            We’ll try Exposure Therapy. It’ll acclimatise you with a steady and constant exposure to Hobbits.  

TK:                 That’s what’s happening already!

PROD:            Then using hypnotherapy, we’ll send you to sleep over 9 hours of the Lord of the Rings trilogy…..

TK:                  I don’t like the sound of this.

PROD:            We’ll strap you in and brainwash you with electric shocks. Ha! Fool, you didn’t realise that Dr Prod is a mere disguise. My true identity is…..

HE RIPS OFF HIS WHITE COAT AND WIG

PROD:            …. PETER JACKSON!!!!!

LIGHTS DIM.  TK IS ENCASED IN METAL FETTERS. A SCREEN LIGHTS UP WITH THE START OF “AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY”.

JACKSON:     YOU…WILL….LOVE…HOBBITS!...YOU…WILL…LOVE…….

TK SCREAMS.

1 comment:

  1. With two teenage sons, my vocab has forever banished words like humans and people and progressed to hobbits, wizards, Orcs, and so on. And I am still learning.

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