Help! I hate Hobbits
The picture of a Hobbit has been removed. This is a family website which is accessible to adults.
TRANSCRIPT OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN DR JULIUS PROD AND MR TONY KIRWOOD. LOCATION, DR PROD’S CLINIC.
DR. PROD: I’ve diagnosed your condition, Mr Kirwood. It’s Brevicuspauriculaphobia - the fear of small pointy-eared people. Specifically, Hobbits.
TK FOAMS AT THE MOUTH AND ROLLS ON THE FLOOR AT THE SOUND OF THE WORD.
PROD: Tell me your symptoms.
TK: Excruciating ennui and disgust. You must help me. They’ve infested my flat. I hear them sniggering under my kitchen sink. They get into my fridge. They leave their droppings everywhere. They jump out at me!
PROD: (CALMLY) Of course, they don’t in reality.
TK: Yes they do. They’re in 3-D!
PROD: Now you must ask yourself, how can a Hobb -
PROD: - er, one of these proportionally different people actually hurt you?
TK: If I see one of them, I know I’ll be trapped in a dark room and subjected to endless CGI battles….
PROD: Ah! You find the battles scary?
TK: I wish I did! And then there’s three hours of stilted dialogue, cardboard characters, overloaded visuals, nausea….
PROD: We’ll try Exposure Therapy. It’ll acclimatise you with a steady and constant exposure to Hobbits.
TK: That’s what’s happening already!
PROD: Then using hypnotherapy, we’ll send you to sleep over 9 hours of the Lord of the Rings trilogy…..
TK: I don’t like the sound of this.
PROD: We’ll strap you in and brainwash you with electric shocks. Ha! Fool, you didn’t realise that Dr Prod is a mere disguise. My true identity is…..
HE RIPS OFF HIS WHITE COAT AND WIG
PROD: …. PETER JACKSON!!!!!
LIGHTS DIM. TK IS ENCASED IN METAL FETTERS. A SCREEN LIGHTS UP WITH THE START OF “AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY”.